How Harry Potter and the Cursed Child should have ended
by Toraach
Summary: "Harry Potter and the Cursed Child" is a joke, a very bad joke. So I wrote my version of the epilogue for the whole saga. Probably more credible in regards how a normal guy would act on Harry's place. Read and review. black!Hermione PoC!Hermione


'Now what?' - Harry asked himself.

He was standing at the main nave of St Jerome Church in the Godric Hollow looking at stuppefied Delphi,. He had recently said that Delphi deserved a lifetime sentence in Azkaban as an orphan. Never ever she was to see her parents any more. After the second though, doubts crossed his mind. Harry remembered life he had lived and thoughts caused that his jaw started to tremble. It wasn't clear anymore if he made a right decision about Delphi. Why he wanted to punish her in this way? Did she really deserve a life time imprisonment in Azkaban accompanied only by Dementors? Harry asked himself more questions about his life choices, decisions as well as always prominent self-sacrificing. Was his live a lie after all? Perhaps he was a freak after all? More questions popped up: questions about happiness and real life going on around. Possible optimal solution was to took Albus's advice and kill Delphi, however Harry tried his best to avoid killing when possible. He failed to stop thinking about possibly spared lives if he replaced Expeliarmus with real combat spells? He even got impression than he had lived his life to became a glorious savior of the wizarding world, but nothing more. Why not only he followed Dumbledore blindly but also believed in whatever Headmaster said? What caused him to declare that Snape had been a good guy all along, even though the Potion Master remained a total git and pervert who felt lust after a l woman who died long time ago for most of his life? And one more question remained: now what? It is his obligation to stand here and remain a silent witness to his parents murder by Voldemort? Harry realized how ridiculous this idea sounded.

'The change, I need!' - he shouted.

All people gathered in the Church, including Albus, Ginny, Hermione, Ron, Scorpius and Draco looked at him.

'What do you mean dad?' - Albus asked.

Harry, still talking to himself, didn't even look at his son.

'Yes, I can, I will kill, kill, kill that jerk once and for all. Once I am finished, life will be better, perfect, normal. Ruturn to normalcy.'

It was Hermione,who understood what Harry meant.

'Harry! Stop at once! This is a nonsense. Past is done and need to remain unchanged. You have recently saw her actions and actions by Albus and Scorpius. It is very dangeours to temper with time.'- she said, using the same voice as back in Hogwarts when she was bossing boys about homework, essays and rules. Now her voice became much worse: even more shrill and bossy as the result of her success in last election. Hermione was now a Minister of Magic, or rather the Ministress of Magic . She ordered people to call her a "Ministress" to be inclusive, equal and show her feminine strenght.

'Shout up, Hermione' - Harry interrupted her - 'I have enough of your bossy bulshit! Just once I want to do things my way!'

'I agree with Harry' - Ron admited quiety. As usual, Ron was eating his pizza and sitting unnoticed. No one had any clue how he got the pizza, but Ron had that unexplained ability to obtaining food nearly always– 'being married to her for so long, I just want her to stop having that attitude, that she is always right, she always wants to mingle with others business, because the miss know-it-all knows always better'.

If Hermione was white, she would become pale with shock after hearing shocking words.

'Ron how could you...!' Hermione failed to finishe her sentence, as Harry casted stupefy at her back nonverbaly .

'Yeah, definitely she should sometimes just keep her mouth closed'- Ron admitted and concentrated on his pizza.

Scorpius and Albus observed adults with wide open jaws. Ginny was breathing at one of benches and became shocked by scene happening in front of her eyes. Both age and three pregnancies destroyed her figure and made her looked very much like Molly Weasley. Draco tried his best to pretend nothing happened and kept his eyes focused on church's decorations. As for Delphi, well girl lied on the floor unconscious just like Hermione.

'Malfoy, I remember you said that your life was just a pile of dragon du...' Harry had no chance to finish a sentence, as a strange sound of snakes interrupted him. Whatever caused a noise, was outside the church.

Harry Potter knew only one possible explanation: Voldemort arrived in the Godric Hollow and kept walking towards the Potter Cottage. He had no time to think about stupidity of the whole idea of using hissing to manifest presence, but after all Voldemort have never been the most sane man.

Harry turned around and rushed towards church's exit, still keeping Albus' wand tight in his shaking hand. He left all his companions in a church, except for Albus wanted to run after his father. Nevertheless, boy remained with others, because Ron stopped him. All company remained quiet. Then they noticed flash of a green light outside the Church. It was done, but they didn't know who had won.

Harry hid in shadows, while sneaking to come closer to Voldemort. The Dark Lord walked proudly down the alley dimly lit by weak latterns. Harry knew he had no chances in a real duel. He needed to be sneaky and backstabbing to achieve a victory. He won all previous encounters with Voldemort because a dumb luck. Even in the final duel during the Battle of Hogwarts, Potter became victorious thanks so a unbelievable luck and stunning by some old strange wand. Harry was superior towards Voldemort only in a Patronus charm, simply because Voldemort was the best buddy with dementors and needed no protection from them. Harry needed only just to cast _Avada Kedavra_ in Voldemort's back. Even though Harry had never casted that spell before, he was sure of his success. He was now full of hate and rage on Voldemort enough to cast Avada. It was Voldemort who made Harry's life shitty. He also made lives of his friends not much better than Harry's. Finally he wanted to change the future, to make the wizarding world great again.

When the green beam of light touched Voldemort's back, the dark lord became nothing but a pile of black robes. Harry started to laugh. A mad laughter filed up the alley, when Harry lit Voldemort's robes on fire.

The church doors opened with a great noise. Harry's companions were very nervous and prepared for the worst, but they momentary lost that burden when they saw Harry.

'I have done it!' he shouted.

Draco, Ron and Ginny who regained a full control after the nearly heart-attack didn't know what to do, what to say. Ron was the first to talk.

'That's great. Now we can eat, we can drink. The festing time!'

'Not now Ron. Firstly, we need to end Pussymort for good, the horcruxes and stuff. Then we may visit the Bahamas or the Hawais or other Bora Bora '.

'Hor-what?' - Draco asked.

'Shitty little trinkets, making Pussymort undead, or whatever that is properly called this state. I think immortal is a fine approximation. We need to get shit done with them and can go to holidays. Death Eaters aren't so important, the ministry can go after them, just like last time.'

'Ok, ok, but what with my family? I don't want to see the Malfoys imprisonment or little Draco going to Andromeda Tonks or whatever'.

'But you have said that you hated all your family and other emo-shit some days ago'- Ginny interrupted Draco this time.

'Calm down all of you' - Ron tried to chill them out - 'Blimey! What is happening to you Ginny?' - said Ron, while observing , a magical phenomenon, which happened to his sister.

All people in the church (except for still stupefied Delphi and Hermione) were looking at Ginevra Weasley-Potter with jaws wide open. She started to lose weight, her hair color became more fiery, wrinkles disappear. Ginny now looked noticeably younger, clearly slimmer and transformed into atractive and fiery witch. Harry couldn't believe that his wife now looked like a red hair vixen. He licked his lips.

'Merlin shaggy balls'-shocked Ginny said, when looking at her body, still shrouded with clothes, which hanged now on her much thinner frame like on a hanger. Harry fixed issue immediately and transfigured Ginny's clothes from Molly Weasley-like outfit into something straight from Bellatrix Lestrange's wardrobe.

The silent admiration of newly acquired Ginny's vixenhood was ended by Scorpius who pointed on Hermione.

'Look at the Ministress, something strange is happening to her!'

They turned to observe stupefied Hermione, who was now shrouded in magical light and magically elevated above the level of the floor. She became a subject of the magical phenomenon, similar to what happened to Ginny. From a plump African American woman, with a wide hips and wide mouths, big curly hair, she was slowly transforming into a slim, attractive white woman, with golden-brown wavy hair, a heart shaped face. In short, Hermione now looked like Emma Watson might look at age 40.

'This is a Hermione I have always wanted'- Ron was so happy that he jumped with joy. Once initial joy disappeared, he asked a question- ' I am curious if we also will look better?'

'I wish, Weasley, I wish' - Draco answered.

In the meantime, Harry glanced at Delphi, a very pretty teenage girl regardless blue tips of silver hair.

'I think she is both stupid and evil, but rather stupid than evil. Nevertheless, her genes are promising: not only she is Bella's daughter, but also young Riddle wasn't hideousness. To kill her t is a waste of genetic potential. I think she will look great in bikini.'- Harry gave his philosophical statement.

Other men gathered in a church nodded in agreement. Especially Draco, who was widowed not so long time ago, seemed excited about idea of Delphi in bikini, Moreover, her hair color was clearly in his range of interests. Mild incest occurred many times in the Black family. Draco and Delphi were just first maternal cousins and such relation made no taboo to Blacks. It was then, where desire started to burn in his heart.

* * *

It took months of covert operations for Harry and his merry company to bring back peace and prosperity. At first they dealt with Malfoys: Lucius gave them the Diary, Narcissa took Huplepuff Cup from Bella's vault. As the result, Lucius was discretely cleaned from all charges, even without making "Imperius" claim. Once they had solved "the Malfoy's" issue it seemed a childpay to deal with remaining horcruxes. Situation allowed Harry and friends to focus on other tasks.

Their real names needed to remain hidden. Ginny, a great fan of muggle TV series „Sherlock", suggested to use pseudonyms. Mrs. Potter had never read muggle books, TV series was based on, but fortunately for them wizards knew little about Muggle culture. No one ever realized that that mysterious people, who appeared in various places in late 1981 and early 1982, were called after characters from muggle books written in 19th century.

Harry, now knows as Sherlock Holmes, gave a helping hand to Sever Snape with his poor, boring, sad, pointless life. Holmes set miserable boy into the right patch to happiness: saved from his possible rudeness for students, sick lust after Lily and other issues from the different reality. Severus got some punching and a promise from Harry, that better he remember to change himself, because if he didn't do it, he would regret that all. Luckily for Severus, Irene Adler, as Hermione was called, convinced Dumbledore to hire Snape as the defense teacher, not the potion master. Obviously Hermione being herself tried to cause other changes in Hogwarts to improve curriculum and quality of education, example madam Pince a horrible, mean librarian, had a little „accident". Finally, James Watson, previously known as Draco, successfully changed Dumbledore's mind about making life easier for Gryffindor students exclusively.

Far away from cold Scottish highlands, Jim Moriarty and Molly Hooper faced even harder task. They decided to convince Arthur Weasley to get better paid job to improve financial situation of his family. Long, tough negotiations were successful. Arthur was promoted and no one teased Weasley's children because of poverty. How new names were selected? Ginny, having Molly as a middle name, chose identity of Molly Hooper. Ron initially refused to use name of James Watson, saying that:

'Watson is just a sidekick without any real value, I don't want to be like that! People have already treated me like an useless sidekick, I want be someone better than that!'

So Ron got a pseudonym after more interesting character from „Sherlock". As for Draco, he totally didn't mind being called John Watson.

Delphi was registered by goblin blood magic, as Bella's heir. As the result, Harry and friends now got a plenty of money to live rest of their lives in luxury. For example, they use Lestrange's money to buy an island somewhere in the French Polynesia. Draco married Delphi, who looked great in bikini, and later they had twins called Orion Marvolo and Narcissa Bellatrix.

Their younger counterparts never realized how close their lives came to being totally fucked up. Now they lived lives of normal people, without crazy adventures, tortures and horrors of wars. Little Harry had his parents and later even little siblings. Ron thanks to Arthur's new job, never developed such complexes and bad personality. Little Hermione, well, there weren't any big changes she still got the letter from Hogwarts, except she never had dangerous adventures like a meeting with a troll or being petrified. Little Draco also had siblings, which was a surprise for big Draco and his friends.

But some things remained roughly the same: Harry and Ron still weren't friends with Draco, but this time their rivalry was a typical school yard feud, who was better in quiditch, at dueling club, or about girls. And after them, Harry and Draco's younger siblings continue that rivalry. Live was much better without lurking Voldemort's shadow.

* * *

 _Thanks to Erintii, my great beta. Without her help this story would have looked much worse._


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